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Your Teenagers Brain… On Bacon

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Hello? Can anyone out there hear me? I’m hiding under the covers with the bedroom door locked. It’s the only place I’m safe from what’s going on downstairs.


“Those are not MY dishes, they’re yours!” screams one teenage daughter.

“No, they’re not. I am a vegetarian which means I didn’t cook gross bacon. It’s your pan and your plate!” says the other.

“Mooooom!” the first one calls out. “Mooommmm? (Insert name) won’t do her dishes!”

Only I don’t answer. I want them to work it out on their own.

That’s when the pleading got louder.

“MOM! Mooom! Where are you?”

No response.

“MOOOOOOOOOOOM! (Insert name) won’t do her dishes!”


Then silence fell upon my household … which worried me.

I crept out of bed and tiptoed to the top of the stairs for better access.

“Where did she go?” I heard one say. “Where’s Mom?”

“I don’t know. She took me to the store to buy tomato soup about an hour ago,” said the other.

“Mom? Are you here?”

“Mom?” the voice sounded a little weaker. “Where are you?”

“Where do you think she went?” I heard one say to the other.

“I don’t know. She’s usually home.”

“I know. It’s really annoying. She’s always, like, asking us what we want to eat and stuff and asking about our days. She actually called my friends house the other night to see if the parents were there! It was sooo embarrassing!”

“Get used to it,” said the older one.

“Then she told me today that if I didn’t vacuum every day for five minutes she was going to give the dog away.”

“It’s your hairy smelly dog you know. She’s right.”

You heard it here. One of my kids actually said I was right. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

“I know, but that’s sooo unreasonable!” she continued.

“Not really. You begged for the dog and promised to take care of it. That’s nothing. She told me yesterday that if I wasn’t ready by 8:00 from now on, I’d have to walk to school even if it’s raining or snowing. Can you believe that? She was going off about how no bus would sit there and wait 20 minutes for me to be late because it would make all the passengers late and how she wasn’t going to do it anymore.”

“She’s not a bus.”

“Yeah, but she thinks she is. She called herself Bus Mom.”

“That’s actually funny.”

I couldn’t hear the next few exchanges between their laughter and the glorious sound of water running and dishes clanking. Nor did I care.

Mission accomplished. Well except for the tomato soup pot left in the sink.


PS: At least they didn’t burn the house down like this kid did to avoid doing his dishes. True story!

PSS: To buy the tee-shirt, click here.

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