Mom For $ale – Laura Fahrenthold – Author
He Was Standing By Her Grave
July 7, 2015
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July 27, 2015
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Mom For $ale

Mother of two teenage girls for sale. 51,000 miles. Runs like new! Available seven days a week, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. No sick or personal days. Fifty cents an hour.


  • Repeats herself over and over and over again.
  • Produces plates full of food when there’s “nothing to eat in the house” and the kids are “starving to death.”
  • Threatens to charge kids the extra $80 fee slapped onto the monthly orthodontist bill for fixing broken braces after kids “forget” not to chomp on hard foods such as candy (yes, apparently candy is a food group) or giant pretzels. Put your money where your mouth is!
  • Maintains a super human sixth sense that simply knows when something’s not quite right.
  • Has eyes in the back of her head.
  • Asks completely annoying and unnecessary questions such as:

-Where are you going?

Who are you going with?

– Are the parent(s) home?

Bonus: Asks what time you will be home.

  • Sets embarrassing and ridiculous rules that “no one else’s parents care about” such as:

-No driving with pimply faced teenagers. That’s what cabs are for.

-All skirts and shorts must pass the cheek test or you are not allowed out of the house. No ifs, ands or butts about it!

-Dinner must be eaten at the table with your family present, not in your room while on Facetime with friends.

  • Doesn’t accept words typed on a screen as a substitute for talking.
  • Sleeps with one eye open and a baseball bat under the bed.
  • Needs less than a minute’s notice to drive a carload of teens to the mall after their plans changed for the 20th time in less than an hour.
  • Possesses astonishing psychic abilities:

-If you don’t stop rocking in that chair, you are going to break its leg off.

-When you wash colors with whites, you end up with pink socks.

-If you don’t take the dog out first thing in the morning, he will pee on the floor.

  • Doesn’t accept “yo, yo, yo” as a greeting.

Other expressions that are discouraged from use as being part of the English language, especially after being told this week that the Shakespeare play was “boring.”

Bounce – Means to leave.

Chillaxin – Cross between chillin’ and relaxing.

Crashy – Crazy and trashy. Not considered to be good.

Crunk – Cross between crazy and drunk. Some teens use this term to mean cool.

Dope – Means cool or awesome.

Fly – Boys tend to refer to girls they think are good looking as ‘fly’.

Hater or h8er – This is in reference to someone who just hates everything, even their friends. It is someone who is so pessimistic that your teen is tired of hearing from them.

Hardcore – Means something is intense. Generally said about something that is a good experience, but also used when something bad is happening to a friend.

Sick or Ill – No, this no longer means someone doesn’t feel well. It’s used as a description of something or someone who is cool or awesome.

Tight – Means close in relationship.

Tool – Refers to someone who is stupid or a geek.

Wanksta – Refers to a person trying to act tough, but isn’t really pulling it off.

  • Loves unconditionally.
  • Never asks to be paid back.
  • Will cut off right arm for child without hesitation.
  • Insists on writing real thank you notes, not texts or emails.
  • Will always love you.
  • Prays for your soul every night before going to sleep.

– Dear God, Please give me the strength to get through another day without braining my eyeball rolling teenagers. Love, Laura


  1. Vicky Bugbee says:

    So true. Love the many armed mom pic. I always said that when you get pregnant your body should start growing an extra arm or two that falls off when the kids are older.

  2. Barb says:


  3. Mel Goldstein says:

    Hi Laura. Do you really hyave all of those attributes?
    Keep on plugging.

  4. mindy mangan says:

    You ‘re hired!!!!!! Love the dictionary, I learned a couple new ones!

  5. Wendy Fahrenthold says:

    It gets better when they get a little older, but then you will miss them!!! Like severing a few of those limbs actually…

  6. mihai Radu says:

    I like crunk! Got a good ring to it!