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Mother of two teenage girls for sale. 51,000 miles. Runs like new! Available seven days a week, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. No sick or personal days. Fifty cents an hour.

Experience:

  • Repeats herself over and over and over again.
  • Produces plates full of food when there’s “nothing to eat in the house” and the kids are “starving to death.”
  • Threatens to charge kids the extra $80 fee slapped onto the monthly orthodontist bill for fixing broken braces after kids “forget” not to chomp on hard foods such as candy (yes, apparently candy is a food group) or giant pretzels. Put your money where your mouth is!
  • Maintains a super human sixth sense that simply knows when something’s not quite right.
  • Has eyes in the back of her head.
  • Asks completely annoying and unnecessary questions such as:

-Where are you going?

Who are you going with?

– Are the parent(s) home?

Bonus: Asks what time you will be home.

  • Sets embarrassing and ridiculous rules that “no one else’s parents care about” such as:

-No driving with pimply faced teenagers. That’s what cabs are for.

-All skirts and shorts must pass the cheek test or you are not allowed out of the house. No ifs, ands or butts about it!

-Dinner must be eaten at the table with your family present, not in your room while on Facetime with friends.

  • Doesn’t accept words typed on a screen as a substitute for talking.
  • Sleeps with one eye open and a baseball bat under the bed.
  • Needs less than a minute’s notice to drive a carload of teens to the mall after their plans changed for the 20th time in less than an hour.
  • Possesses astonishing psychic abilities:

-If you don’t stop rocking in that chair, you are going to break its leg off.

-When you wash colors with whites, you end up with pink socks.

-If you don’t take the dog out first thing in the morning, he will pee on the floor.

  • Doesn’t accept “yo, yo, yo” as a greeting.

Other expressions that are discouraged from use as being part of the English language, especially after being told this week that the Shakespeare play was “boring.”

Bounce – Means to leave.

Chillaxin – Cross between chillin’ and relaxing.

Crashy – Crazy and trashy. Not considered to be good.

Crunk – Cross between crazy and drunk. Some teens use this term to mean cool.

Dope – Means cool or awesome.

Fly – Boys tend to refer to girls they think are good looking as ‘fly’.

Hater or h8er – This is in reference to someone who just hates everything, even their friends. It is someone who is so pessimistic that your teen is tired of hearing from them.

Hardcore – Means something is intense. Generally said about something that is a good experience, but also used when something bad is happening to a friend.

Sick or Ill – No, this no longer means someone doesn’t feel well. It’s used as a description of something or someone who is cool or awesome.

Tight – Means close in relationship.

Tool – Refers to someone who is stupid or a geek.

Wanksta – Refers to a person trying to act tough, but isn’t really pulling it off.

  • Loves unconditionally.
  • Never asks to be paid back.
  • Will cut off right arm for child without hesitation.
  • Insists on writing real thank you notes, not texts or emails.
  • Will always love you.
  • Prays for your soul every night before going to sleep.

– Dear God, Please give me the strength to get through another day without braining my eyeball rolling teenagers. Love, Laura

12 Comments

  1. So true. Love the many armed mom pic. I always said that when you get pregnant your body should start growing an extra arm or two that falls off when the kids are older.

  2. Barb says:

    Love!

  3. Mel Goldstein says:

    Hi Laura. Do you really hyave all of those attributes?
    Keep on plugging.
    Mel

  4. mindy mangan says:

    You ‘re hired!!!!!! Love the dictionary, I learned a couple new ones!

  5. Wendy Fahrenthold says:

    It gets better when they get a little older, but then you will miss them!!! Like severing a few of those limbs actually…

  6. mihai Radu says:

    I like crunk! Got a good ring to it!