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The Kardashians Can Kiss My A!

 

To know thyself well is to understand that doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results is idiotic. That’s why New Year’s resolutions typically don’t stick and we why we find ourselves back where we started. It’s part of the human condition called life.

 

Knowing this, why oh why do I sign up for the gym every December with a full-fledged promise to really go this time and then still rarely do. And then I waste my money. And then I swear I’ll never renew the membership again. And then I do the very next year. And then I start the cycle all over again.

 

At least there’s consistency to my inconsistency.

 

Today was no exception as I found myself signing on the dotted membership line yet again. Only this time, I figured I’d outsmart myself by taking out an extra insurance policy known as a personal trainer or as I call him, an accountability manager with muscles. Even with Mr. AMWM in place, I secretly worried that I’d repeat the same old pattern of going, going, gone. Also that my butt would continue to grow until it was mistaken for Charlie Brown’s great pumpkin.

 

“I know!” I told myself. “I’ll book the first appointment for the BIG DAY! January 1! Yeah, that’ll do it! I’ll start off the New Year right!”

 

I’m not a fan of New Year’s Eve parties anyway so it’s no problem to stay home with Chinese takeout, a new book or Netflix. I might even prefer it, actually, instead of being with all my married friends making party talk. I’d wake up refreshed and ready to go.

 

Judging by the scowl on Mr. AMWM’s face as he sat there reviewing my attendance record, he wasn’t buying it. He talked about how exercise needs to be part of your daily life and asked how I can expect results if I only go once a week.

 

“I’m busy!” I pleaded. “I’d have to sleep at the gym in my RV in order to make it a routine.”

 

That’s when his face brightened.

 

“Then do it!” he said.

 

“Do what?” I asked.

 

“Sleep at the gym in your motorhome! Do it for a week!” he said. “You’ll be forced to make your workout a priority and see how easy it is to fit into your day. It’s the perfect way to commit to the New Year’s resolution.”

 

At first I thought he was joking, but the more he talked, the more I liked it. Since I wouldn’t be on Mom duty, I could sleep in until a heavenly 8:00 a.m. when he or an assistant would knock on the RV door with a whey protein shake or some gross brown rice, sardine and seaweed oatmeal dish each morning, followed green tea and water. It’s not exactly room service, but no one has made me breakfast in five years! I’ll take it!

 

It’ll be just like Canyon Ranch, only a la RV! I’ll just pretend the parking lot is a nice beach and that my room has an ocean view by taping serene pictures over the windows. Maybe I’ll even bring fresh flowers and my fluffy white down comforter with pillow chocolates.

 

After the wake up call, it’ll be off to the hour plus long personal training sessions. UGH! Give me a pair of skis, tennis racket, swimming pool, mountain to hike, or dog to walk and I’m happy. Put me on a treadmill or in a weight room and I’m counting the minutes while longingly staring at the exit sign. Paydirt will come by way of taking a few yoga classes… ommmm… or maybe even spinning or pilates, but definitely swimming laps. My butt is shrinking just thinking about it! I imagine drinking wheatgrass smoothies and taking long, hot showers in a bathroom I don’t have to clean. Plus I would not have to yell at the girls for taking my shampoo because it will be right there with me. Then I’ll head upstairs to Oasis Day Spa to do the treatment package they designed for a January/February detox promotion that I’ll soon be blogging about on their website.

 

This was sounding better and better. The girls are already accounted for and I’ll let my friend David, who I wrote about here last week, turn the house into Camp David where he and his writing partners could finish up their play. While I have some pretty tricky customized safety measures in place for the RV, thanks to my brother the genius mechanical engineer, I’d still bring my giant pit bull mix, Mesa, along for extra protection. He’s mighty good like that.

 

Mr. AMWM sealed the deal with a handshake and a hug.

 

With that, the Kardashians can kiss My A_ _!

 

Source: StatisticBrain.com

Gym and Health Club Industry Statistics Data
Average number of times a gym membership owner will go to the gym every week 2
Average monthly cost of a gym membership $58
Amount of gym membership money that goes to waste from under utilization $39
Percent of people with gym memberships that never use them 67 %
Annual gym & health club industry revenue $21,800,000,000
Annual number of people that use a gym or health club 58,000,000
Number of US gyms and health clubs 30,500
Total number of personal trainers in the US 273,500
Number of gyms and health clubs worldwide 153,000
Approximate number of health club members worldwide 131,700,000
Total global health club industry reveneus $75,700,000,000
Top 5 Gym Spending Cities Average Monthly Spending
Savannah, GA $144.35
Naples, FL $143.91
New York, NY $134.50
Sarasota, FL $116.08
Astoria, NY $112.20
Notable Cities Gym Spending Monthly Spending
St. Louis, MO $105.66
Brooklyn, NY $101.19
Charlotte, NC $100.66
Madison, WI $95.33
Boston, MA $91.51
Seattle, WA $90.68
Austin, TX $88.14
Washington, DC $87.00
Minneapolis, MN $85.22
Cleveland, OH $83.01
San Francisco, CA $82.17
Portland, OR $81.64
Chicago, IL $81.35
Atlanta, GA $78.32
Baltimore, MD $74.77
Memphis, TN $71.86
Denver, CO $71.82
Detroit, MI $70.21
Miami, FL $69.86
Los Angeles, CA $69.39
Philadelphia, PA $66.39
Phoenix, AZ $64.74
Salt Lake City, UT $63.92
Bottom 5 Gym Spending Cities Monthly Spending
Whittier, CA $51.26
Fontana, CA $49.78
Ontario, CA $49.66
Charleston, SC $48.86
Pomona, CA $47.35
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2 Comments

  1. mihai says:

    Nice pijamas!!!How do you spell pijamas?

  2. Jaxtridad says:

    Uh-oh, now that you’ve gone and made this proclamation about your fitness journey public, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH! If only to simply let the world know how this story ends. Bon-voyage young grasshopper!

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